Today ended up being a very different day than I had expected. I called it, Spontaneous and Emotional. Nothing was planned, and what I did do was a very emotional thing. Being on the phone with one of my best friends who is in the process of losing her grandmother, I found myself wanting to reach out in a way I never thought I could. Melinda and I have seen each other through so much in the last 14 years. We have seen each other in many different lights. When my grandmother passed away, I was not in the same place as Melinda is watching her grandmother through the dying process. I was selfish. I felt bad for the suffering that Mimi was experiencing, but I could not get past the suffering that I felt in order to let her go. The emptiness that I had feared since I was a child, was becoming a very unwanted reality.
A family member of Melinda's is feeling very similar to how I did. While Melinda is at peace with this and praying for her grandmother to go home and be at peace, this family member is scared for what lies ahead after Nan's passing. After I opened up to Melinda about my feelings when Mimi passed away, we both agreed that it would be very beneficial for me to have a talk with her Aunt. Going to Nan's house today was very emotional to me. I had no idea what she was going to look like, nor did I want to remember her at such an ill state. When I saw her laying in her bed, she looked so peaceful. I looked at her and told her that she already looked like an angel. My heart felt peaceful.
I had a chance to stand next to Nan and rub my fingers over her forehead. She opened her eyes and said to me, "I just want to go home. I want to die." Tears streamed down her face as I felt that huge lump in my throat. I told her that she needed to pray and ask God to take her home. I also told her that we were all praying for her as well. While Melinda was by her side I took a walk whith her Aunt. When asking if she was ok, she answered that she was now but did not know how she would be once Nan was gone. My only way of explaining my own selfishness to Melinda's Aunt was to say that, "When we revolve our lives around one single person for so many years, it is almost impossible to even think of them leaving." Knowing that I told myself as a child that Mimi would never leave me, Melinda's Aunt admitted to me that she never pictured her life without her mom. It is a huge transition in our lives. Neither Melinda's Aunt nor I wanted to see our loved ones suffer at all. It is just a matter of not knowing how to stop our own pain and not knowing if we ever will.
Our talk went well. I know it was as beneficial to me as it hopefully was to Melinda's Aunt. It is ok to be selfish, angry, frustrated...and so on. God will forgive us, even if we feel angry at him. Nan asked Melinda's Aunt to stay by her side. So, I told her to go be there and embrace each moment she has left with her. Tell her the things that she feels because I had always regretted not telling Mimi all the things I had wanted to say. I tell Mimi now...in fact she is the one I talk to most. She was my best friend and continues to be. And unlike the few years after her death, I have healed from the loss of Mimi. I know Melinda's Aunt will as well. It takes time, prayer and support from those who love you.
I am deeply grateful that I had the chance to know Nan for the last 14 years. I am thankful that she was an inspiration to me and all those who surounded her. I honor her faith and her strength and her belief in God. I pray tonight that Nan passes in peace and isn't holding on because she is afraid to leave Melinda's Aunt behind. I am eternally grateful for the chance to tell Nan good-bye and that I loved her. She has always treated me like a part of her family and because of that, I am truly blessed.
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