Last night was rough for me. I actually found myself sad and feeling sorry for myself. Was it my mood? Was it because I was tired? Could have been a number of things. All I know is that I have not cried that hard in a very long time. It was one of those cries that your head and your eyes hurt the next day. I have realized that some days things just bother me more than others.....must be the fact that I am a girl. (I see everyone reading this shaking their heads.) Since I read The Secret I have been very positive and no I do not see this as a set back. We all have moments where we are just not feeling 'right'. Last night was one of those nights. I am blogging about it because I want everyone to realize that even though I am living positively, I still have moments of sadness and stress. To me, it is how we choose to deal with those feelings. Did I take a nap and turn the world off? No. While that does sound appealing, the world will still be just as it was when I wake up. You are wondering what I did to change my weepy mood. Well, I allowed myself to cry since tears are very healing. Once I could not cry anymore, I started to pray. I prayed (and found more tears) I kept praying until I just didn't know what else to pray about. I then opened up my Gratitude Book knowing that I was not feeling thankful at that point. Still I wrote all that I am thankful for. I started to notice that my mood was changing. I started feeling fulfilled instead of empty. I also started feeling loved. It is amazing the feeling you get when you are thinking about the things you are thankful for. I went to bed soon after and slept better than I have in a long time. Of course I feel like I have a hang over today. Advil just isn't doing the trick today.
After a long hard look at why I was so upset I realized exactly what it was. My problem is guilt. I feel very guilty when I am very wrapped up in my own things and I do not get to spend quality time with my kids. Because of my open house and the birthday party the next day, I was very focused on those two things for a couple of weeks. Both of them were preoccupying a lot of my time. Because I was stressing myself out about having everything done and ready, I was not sleeping and I was always tired around my children. Once I can pinpoint the problem, I can fix it. Time management is what I need. It is very hard to do that when you are your own boss. I work at home, at work, and when I am out running around. I need to work only when I am at work. This is VERY hard for me to do. But I am going to try. I seriously do not know if my kids even noticed that Mommy was preoccupied so much but I certainly did. I love my kids more than anything in this world. They are only little once and I am not going to allow myself to miss out on their only childhood. Whether they are bothered by it or not, I am. And, nobody likes an unhappy mommy.
What I am thankful for today:
being able to be at Gavin's last day of school party
making cookies with Makenna this morning
music (which always cheers me up)
Makenna being so well behaved at Gavin's party
time to walk with Jenny
hot green tea
advil (although I need something stronger today)
a walk in the rain with Makenna this morning (of course she had the umbrella and I did not.....LOL!)
Diane for being there for me all the time
Jamie for being my best friend and promising to help me find my teeth when I am an old lady......LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jenny for motivating me and being a loyal friend
(If you three only knew how much I love you guys!)
my children and every moment I have with them
peace and quiet
the color purple
a wonderful nights sleep tonight
an awesome day tomorrow