Today ended up being a very different day than I had expected. I called it, Spontaneous and Emotional. Nothing was planned, and what I did do was a very emotional thing. Being on the phone with one of my best friends who is in the process of losing her grandmother, I found myself wanting to reach out in a way I never thought I could. Melinda and I have seen each other through so much in the last 14 years. We have seen each other in many different lights. When my grandmother passed away, I was not in the same place as Melinda is watching her grandmother through the dying process. I was selfish. I felt bad for the suffering that Mimi was experiencing, but I could not get past the suffering that I felt in order to let her go. The emptiness that I had feared since I was a child, was becoming a very unwanted reality.
A family member of Melinda's is feeling very similar to how I did. While Melinda is at peace with this and praying for her grandmother to go home and be at peace, this family member is scared for what lies ahead after Nan's passing. After I opened up to Melinda about my feelings when Mimi passed away, we both agreed that it would be very beneficial for me to have a talk with her Aunt. Going to Nan's house today was very emotional to me. I had no idea what she was going to look like, nor did I want to remember her at such an ill state. When I saw her laying in her bed, she looked so peaceful. I looked at her and told her that she already looked like an angel. My heart felt peaceful.
I had a chance to stand next to Nan and rub my fingers over her forehead. She opened her eyes and said to me, "I just want to go home. I want to die." Tears streamed down her face as I felt that huge lump in my throat. I told her that she needed to pray and ask God to take her home. I also told her that we were all praying for her as well. While Melinda was by her side I took a walk whith her Aunt. When asking if she was ok, she answered that she was now but did not know how she would be once Nan was gone. My only way of explaining my own selfishness to Melinda's Aunt was to say that, "When we revolve our lives around one single person for so many years, it is almost impossible to even think of them leaving." Knowing that I told myself as a child that Mimi would never leave me, Melinda's Aunt admitted to me that she never pictured her life without her mom. It is a huge transition in our lives. Neither Melinda's Aunt nor I wanted to see our loved ones suffer at all. It is just a matter of not knowing how to stop our own pain and not knowing if we ever will.
Our talk went well. I know it was as beneficial to me as it hopefully was to Melinda's Aunt. It is ok to be selfish, angry, frustrated...and so on. God will forgive us, even if we feel angry at him. Nan asked Melinda's Aunt to stay by her side. So, I told her to go be there and embrace each moment she has left with her. Tell her the things that she feels because I had always regretted not telling Mimi all the things I had wanted to say. I tell Mimi now...in fact she is the one I talk to most. She was my best friend and continues to be. And unlike the few years after her death, I have healed from the loss of Mimi. I know Melinda's Aunt will as well. It takes time, prayer and support from those who love you.
I am deeply grateful that I had the chance to know Nan for the last 14 years. I am thankful that she was an inspiration to me and all those who surounded her. I honor her faith and her strength and her belief in God. I pray tonight that Nan passes in peace and isn't holding on because she is afraid to leave Melinda's Aunt behind. I am eternally grateful for the chance to tell Nan good-bye and that I loved her. She has always treated me like a part of her family and because of that, I am truly blessed.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Unconditional Love
Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of one's actions or beliefs.
Do you know that besides God there are only two beings that know how to give unconditional love to it's fullest? Any ideas? It is our pets and our children. We can lock our pets outside without food and water for a week and they will still love us. We can smack them on the but with a newspaper when they pee on the floor...and they still love us. We can go months without paying any attention to our pets, and yet they still come running when we come in the door, they still sleep at our feet at night, they still show affection.
Same goes with children. A friend of mine is a social worker and used to tell me stories of her times going into homes to take away babies and pets from abused homes. These babies are beaten, neglected, malnurished by their parents and yet, they still want to be held by them and they still love them.
As I get older, I now finally at 36 years of age, know what unconditional love means. For me, it is taking the good and the bad of a person and loving them anyway. It is looking past their flaws and embracing the good in them. It is standing by their side through any given situation whether you believe it is wrong or right. It is the understanding that when we have a problem with someone else, it is actually an issue with ourselves. Once we realize that we can let go of the opinions and learn how to deal with people and situations much better. Not everyone is going to like everything about a person. Thanks to Heather not only did she point this out but she also made sure that I knew it is ok. It is how we deal with what we do not like about that person that matters.
There are 4 families that after being around them for over 15 years, I can see the uncontional love they have for one another....and for me. They have made me a part of their families with no hesitation. I have seen them over come such struggles and hold each others hands while going through it. I hope and pray that I can learn from them in order to be as they are with my children. I may not agree with their decisions as they get older, but I will always be there for them....letting them know that along the way. I always tell my children I love them and I always will. I will be there by their side through everything....maybe biting my lip at times, but know they need to grow and learn without my opinions. I want them to learn how to practice unconditional love so that they can pass it on to others that enter their lives. I am still learning and will continue to learn knowing that everything takes time.
What I am thankful for today:
The Borelli's
Jamie's entire family
Melinda's entrie family
The Platt's
my children
my pets
my teachers my customers
my friends
my family
unconditional love
this beautiful day
Do you know that besides God there are only two beings that know how to give unconditional love to it's fullest? Any ideas? It is our pets and our children. We can lock our pets outside without food and water for a week and they will still love us. We can smack them on the but with a newspaper when they pee on the floor...and they still love us. We can go months without paying any attention to our pets, and yet they still come running when we come in the door, they still sleep at our feet at night, they still show affection.
Same goes with children. A friend of mine is a social worker and used to tell me stories of her times going into homes to take away babies and pets from abused homes. These babies are beaten, neglected, malnurished by their parents and yet, they still want to be held by them and they still love them.
As I get older, I now finally at 36 years of age, know what unconditional love means. For me, it is taking the good and the bad of a person and loving them anyway. It is looking past their flaws and embracing the good in them. It is standing by their side through any given situation whether you believe it is wrong or right. It is the understanding that when we have a problem with someone else, it is actually an issue with ourselves. Once we realize that we can let go of the opinions and learn how to deal with people and situations much better. Not everyone is going to like everything about a person. Thanks to Heather not only did she point this out but she also made sure that I knew it is ok. It is how we deal with what we do not like about that person that matters.
There are 4 families that after being around them for over 15 years, I can see the uncontional love they have for one another....and for me. They have made me a part of their families with no hesitation. I have seen them over come such struggles and hold each others hands while going through it. I hope and pray that I can learn from them in order to be as they are with my children. I may not agree with their decisions as they get older, but I will always be there for them....letting them know that along the way. I always tell my children I love them and I always will. I will be there by their side through everything....maybe biting my lip at times, but know they need to grow and learn without my opinions. I want them to learn how to practice unconditional love so that they can pass it on to others that enter their lives. I am still learning and will continue to learn knowing that everything takes time.
What I am thankful for today:
The Borelli's
Jamie's entire family
Melinda's entrie family
The Platt's
my children
my pets
my teachers my customers
my friends
my family
unconditional love
this beautiful day
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Do You Honestly Heal Your Emotional Wounds
Through therapy sessions I have learned the difference between healing tears and tears of depression and saddness. I have learned that if you are still crying over something and it has been years since it has happened, you are not crying healing tears. You may not be one to talk to a therapist, you may not be someone who talks about issues at all. And, you do not need to talk to anyone other than God. Know that talking does help no matter how much it hurts. Surpressing feelings will not allow the healing process to even start. It also makes a person spiteful, angry, frustrated, and unable to grow. It also keeps a person from being able to be truly grateful.
Most of us have suffered from a broken heart. Whether be a loss of a mate, a pet, a friend, a relative, even a child. Some have experienced all of the above, including myself. Some have experienced other tragedies that keep them mourning for years. We all need to heal and let go of the weight we carry which keeps our heart feeling heavy.
Life is too short. We need to let go and move on. We honestly are not living if we chose to keep mourning events and loss from the past. Turn those tears of saddness and loss into healing tears. Cry with hope instead of loss. Ask your angels to put their hands on your shoulder, ask God for help in healing. Ask the universe how if you are unsure. You will get your answer.
I have come a long way from losing a friend in a car accident, watching my grandmother lose her battle with cancer (who was also my best friend), losing a baby, losing jobs, losing relationships...and so on. And although there will always be that little part of me that misses the people I have lost....I know they are still there. I do not cry anymore over the fact that they are not physically here. I rejoice in the memories of the time I got to spend with them. I embrace the memories through pictures and visions in my head. I talk to them as though they are standing right next to me. I am fulfilled because I know they are still right beside me, alhtough I cannot see them. I am healed.
What I am thankful for today:
the time I had with the love ones I have lost
the power of prayer
the power to heal yourself
time with my children
the friendships I have had for a long time and the friendships I am creating now.
laughter
healing and the healing of others
the article in The Morning Call
the call I got today from Saucon Mannor
the health of my loved ones and myself
my peaceful mind, body, and spirit
my home
my store
support
loyalty
love
Most of us have suffered from a broken heart. Whether be a loss of a mate, a pet, a friend, a relative, even a child. Some have experienced all of the above, including myself. Some have experienced other tragedies that keep them mourning for years. We all need to heal and let go of the weight we carry which keeps our heart feeling heavy.
Life is too short. We need to let go and move on. We honestly are not living if we chose to keep mourning events and loss from the past. Turn those tears of saddness and loss into healing tears. Cry with hope instead of loss. Ask your angels to put their hands on your shoulder, ask God for help in healing. Ask the universe how if you are unsure. You will get your answer.
I have come a long way from losing a friend in a car accident, watching my grandmother lose her battle with cancer (who was also my best friend), losing a baby, losing jobs, losing relationships...and so on. And although there will always be that little part of me that misses the people I have lost....I know they are still there. I do not cry anymore over the fact that they are not physically here. I rejoice in the memories of the time I got to spend with them. I embrace the memories through pictures and visions in my head. I talk to them as though they are standing right next to me. I am fulfilled because I know they are still right beside me, alhtough I cannot see them. I am healed.
What I am thankful for today:
the time I had with the love ones I have lost
the power of prayer
the power to heal yourself
time with my children
the friendships I have had for a long time and the friendships I am creating now.
laughter
healing and the healing of others
the article in The Morning Call
the call I got today from Saucon Mannor
the health of my loved ones and myself
my peaceful mind, body, and spirit
my home
my store
support
loyalty
love
Monday, October 19, 2009
An Unexpected Email
I recevied this email from a very old friend of mine today and wanted to share it.
Reading through this I thought about you and the strength you have to conquer all. I know that times have been rough, but you truly are an inspiration to many (including your family) for setting goals and pushing forward until achieving each and every one. I am glad to hear that things are going well for you. Hopefully the shop is staying busy. Talk to you soon.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.
But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning that other colour, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!
Sometimes I wallow in self pity. But it isn't long before I realize that it gets me no where. Everyday I write or say at least 50 things that I am thankful for. There is so much in my life right now that I could be ungrateful about, however I do not allow my focus to go there. Besides I am surrounded by people who support me and love me for who I am. Those who feel they know how I should live my life I have distanced myself from. So, I am in a good place. My children are happy and well taken care of and I am feeling better than I have in a long time. Everything works out if I stay positive. Although my vehicle is being used by Jeremy at this time, because of my friends and my cousins, I always have a way to get where I need too. Although I do not have a printer, my neighbor and Jeremy always make sure to print out what I need for the store. My neighbor and my friend Jen offer to watch my kids if I need someone (which is not often at all.) These are just examples of the ways people are helping me. I am so fortunate that I have the friends I have and the support from Jeremy despite our situation. I can stay focused on my store and I have been inspired to be more creative while I am there. Yes things at the store were slow. And, I believe being surrounded by negative people made it more diffcult for the positive to flow through me and through my store. New customers are in every weekend and so many people are putting my store on their facebook, passing around flyers for me, displaying my business cards and so on. I am very blessed and so thankful for each and every person who helps me, supports me, and makes my life easier. Funny thing is that I do not have to ask people, they offer. It is amazing what keeping a positive attitude can do. Of course I return the favors, what are friends for?
What I am thankful for today:
my friends, old and new
people telling me that I inspire them
creativity
new customers
my strength
positive attitudes
gratitude
those who love and support me the way I am and do not try to change me or the way I live my life.
my children
Chloe aka Monkey and how affectionate she has been towards me lately.
new classes
Makenna's school pictures which are BEAUTIFUL!
the pumpkin patch tomorrow with Makenna and Gavin
Randy and Diane for allowing me to use their vehicles
everyone who helps me with my business
music
each and every new day
my health
each moment spent with the ones I love
Reading through this I thought about you and the strength you have to conquer all. I know that times have been rough, but you truly are an inspiration to many (including your family) for setting goals and pushing forward until achieving each and every one. I am glad to hear that things are going well for you. Hopefully the shop is staying busy. Talk to you soon.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.
But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning that other colour, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!
Sometimes I wallow in self pity. But it isn't long before I realize that it gets me no where. Everyday I write or say at least 50 things that I am thankful for. There is so much in my life right now that I could be ungrateful about, however I do not allow my focus to go there. Besides I am surrounded by people who support me and love me for who I am. Those who feel they know how I should live my life I have distanced myself from. So, I am in a good place. My children are happy and well taken care of and I am feeling better than I have in a long time. Everything works out if I stay positive. Although my vehicle is being used by Jeremy at this time, because of my friends and my cousins, I always have a way to get where I need too. Although I do not have a printer, my neighbor and Jeremy always make sure to print out what I need for the store. My neighbor and my friend Jen offer to watch my kids if I need someone (which is not often at all.) These are just examples of the ways people are helping me. I am so fortunate that I have the friends I have and the support from Jeremy despite our situation. I can stay focused on my store and I have been inspired to be more creative while I am there. Yes things at the store were slow. And, I believe being surrounded by negative people made it more diffcult for the positive to flow through me and through my store. New customers are in every weekend and so many people are putting my store on their facebook, passing around flyers for me, displaying my business cards and so on. I am very blessed and so thankful for each and every person who helps me, supports me, and makes my life easier. Funny thing is that I do not have to ask people, they offer. It is amazing what keeping a positive attitude can do. Of course I return the favors, what are friends for?
What I am thankful for today:
my friends, old and new
people telling me that I inspire them
creativity
new customers
my strength
positive attitudes
gratitude
those who love and support me the way I am and do not try to change me or the way I live my life.
my children
Chloe aka Monkey and how affectionate she has been towards me lately.
new classes
Makenna's school pictures which are BEAUTIFUL!
the pumpkin patch tomorrow with Makenna and Gavin
Randy and Diane for allowing me to use their vehicles
everyone who helps me with my business
music
each and every new day
my health
each moment spent with the ones I love
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